


Her Coital Instruments

by grayspider1974



Category: Vikings - Fandom
Genre: F/M, dildos/nasty nuns/revenge
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-08-27
Updated: 2016-09-04
Packaged: 2018-08-11 10:31:15
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 5
Words: 3,324
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7887802
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/grayspider1974/pseuds/grayspider1974
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In which Ragnar and Bjorn get pegged in the Wookie Hole by a nasty nun</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> The Wookie Hole is an actual cave system in England, but I do not know how close it is to the Camber river (or bach).   
> Also, Queen Quentryth is my favorite female character from Vikings,but I'm still not entirely certain how her name is spelled.  
> And(to those of you who tried to get me thrown off this site) there is nothing in this or any other of my work or comments that fits the LEGAL definition of homophobia. Please do not make any further accusations of this nature unless you can prove that I have advocated the use of violence against homosexual males. Christ still loves you, and so do I!

I do not own Vikings. I write for fun. Please do not sue me, blood-eagle me, impale me, or bear false witness against me!   
Ragnar woke to hear his son calling his name. His head was pounding.  
"Father?" Bjorn asked "Where are we?" His eyes were wide and blue, and Ragnar had never seen him look so frightened. Beautiful Bjorn, so big, so brave...and so cruelly bound that his fingers were turning purple.  
"The last thing I remember is that we attacked that convent. I think the nuns were waiting for us."  
"That was a bad idea, Father."  
"Point taken, Bjorn. They were clever bitches."  
"I can't feel my fingers, Father..."  
As far as Ragnar could tell in the dim light, they were in a limestone cavern, and several figures in habits and wimples stood around them, holding torches. A short, plump nun stooped over them. Her face was oddly familiar.  
"Are you the man they call Ragnar Lothbrook, the Wrath of God?"  
"Yes."  
"And is this behemoth your son, Bjorn Ironsides?"  
"Yes."  
A sandalled foot lashed out at Ragnar's face. "The welcome to the Wookie Hole, you sick son of a bitch. We are the nuns of St. Benedict on Cumberbach, and we are about to cleanse your dark and twisted souls!"  
"Who are you...um...sister?" Ragnar asked.  
The nun cackled joylessly. "I am Sister Margurite. You kidnapped my cousin Aethelstan."  
"Yes, I suppose I did," said Ragnar. "What of it?"  
"You enslaved him."  
"Yes I did."  
"You used him sexually."  
"WHAT?" Ragnar's eyes widened. "I DID NOT!"  
"You fucking LIAR! You sick PIG! I'm going to do to you exactly what you did to him!" Sister Margurite unrolled a large canvas tool case.  
"How can you do that, you're a....oh, I see you've already found a solution to your..."  
The tool bag contained a wide variety of instruments, some of which resembled those used for dentistry or delicate woodworking, but there was nothing delicate about the largest instrument in the bag, which was an impressive-looking dildo sheathed in leather. The Cumberbitch smiled evilly, and selected a delicate pick that might be used for cleaning someone's teeth. "Open wide, you benighted heathen!"  
"Sister, you've got it wrong! I've got a wife...'  
Bjorn scowled at his father.  
"Okay, I've got two wives," Ragnar continued "and several children..." but Margurite grabbed his beard and yanked on it until he opened his mouth.  
"I'm not a...mmmmph, mmmmph, mmmmph!" was about all Ragnar could manage.  
"Please Ma'am," said Bjorn. "For the love of mercy...Father never hurt Aethelstan!"  
"And what do you Northmen know of mercy?" asked Margurite.  
"More than you do, evidently!" said Bjorn.  
She slapped him. "Shut up, behemoth! I'll give you a little of what I got when I'm done with your father!"

Sister Margurite used her picks, her rasps, her thumbscrews and even her tweezers before she reached for her dildo, and Ragnar finally learned why neither of his wives ever allowed him to have anal sex. It hurt like hell, and his screams echoed back from the shadows of the Wookie Hole mingled with the tittering of the Cumberbitches. Then she turned on Bjorn. "Oh, he's so PRETTY...I don't want to cut him!"  
"Help me, Father!" Bjorn pleaded. "She's insane!"  
"Please don't hurt my son!" said Ragnar. "He's only ever been with one woman. His wife is pregnant, and..."  
"Oh, the poor girl!" said Margurite. ""This will be a new experience for your son. If I let him go, he can teach her how to do it."  
Bjorn's big, beautiful eyes went wide. "I love my wife, you English bitch!"  
"Then lie still and think of Norway, sweetie!"Sister Margurite hissed as the dildo slid in.  
"Don't you take an oath of celibacy?" asked Ragnar.  
"Technically speaking, this does not constitute sexual intercourse," said Sister Margurite as her free hand cupped Bjorn's balls."It merely constitutes the less serious Sin of Onan."  
"Please spare me the technicalities," said Bjorn. "You're hurting me!"  
"You're getting hard, though....oh my, you're a BIG boy! I don't think you got THAT from your father!"  
"HELP! THORUNN! I'M SORRY!"This was followed by a horrifying, inarticulate bellow as Bjorn shivered, then began to jerk like a rat in a terrier's jaws. His cries echoed in the darkness, and Ragnar realized a terrible thing...he was watching his son get off, and he could not look away.  
Then he heard other, shriller screams, and the sounds of dogs barking and of hooves clattering as the nuns scattered, and there was much cursing and snarling as the lights were extinguished.  
A woman screamed "JEZEBELS! THE DOGS SHALL LICK UP THY BLOOD, AND DESOLATION BE UPON THEE!"  
"Why Queen Quentryth, as I live and breathe!" Ragnar drawled.  
Then the light was rekindled, revealing the Cumberbitches in retreat, pursued by Queen Quentryth astride a ferocious Spanish mare and leading a pack of gigantic boar dogs.  
"Hullo Ragnar, said Aethelstan, who had just re-kindled the light. "Oh dear, I see you've met my cousin, Sister Peg!"

"Peg was always a strange girl," said Aethelstan. "She used to do the same thing to me with a large parsnip, and she liked to cut up small animals. My family forced her into a convent when they found out about it, and it's part of the reason why I became a monk. I can barely look at a woman...or a parsnip, for that matter."  
"I don't like parsnips much either," said Ragnar "Ouch!"  
"I told you to use that bag of ice," said Aethelstan.   
The Queen of Mercia rode up. Her horse was in a lather, and so was she. "The bitch escaped," she said. "Damn her!" She dismounted, and sat down beside Bjorn. "How's your bum, sweetie?"   
"My bum is indescribably sore," said Bjorn.  
"It will feel better after a while," said Quentryth. "It took me three days to recover from the first time I took it in the rear. You may want to stay out of the saddle." She handed Bjorn an object wrapped in cloth. "Here's the dildo. I'm not sure if either of you wants it, but if you clean it it would make a lovely present for one of your wives."  
Ragnar's jaw dropped, as did Bjorn's.  
"Hey, i do freaky shit," said Quentryth. "I don't really care what anyone does, as long as it does not involve animals, corpses or children, and it must be CONSENSUAL! CON...SENSUAL! Got it? Good!"


	2. Turning The Other Cheek

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Rollo gladly turns the other cheek

Rollo was surprised to find a nun sitting on his bed, playing with an extremely large and knobbly dildo.  
"Don't nuns take a vow of celibacy?" he asked.  
"Yes, but technically I am only committing the Sin of Onan,"she said. She had a cute face, but her smile was not cute. "I wanted to find out how it actually feels." She licked the dildo.  
"That's nasty," Rollo said. "Didn't your mother ever tell you not to put strange things in your mouth?"  
"It's not as nasty as where I intend to put it next," she said.  
Rollo grinned, dropped his pants and fell to his knees. "Go ahead. Gisla does the same thing to me when she's in the mood for it. That nun's habit is a nice touch."  
"Don't you know who I am?" the nun asked. "I'm Sister Margurite, also known as The Cumberbitch, The Nasty Habit, and The Bitch who Brutalized Bjorn. I made your nephew cry like a little bitch while your brother watched. You can call me Peg."  
Rollo shrugged. "Seems like even now I get involved in Ragnar's craziness, but you'd better do it before Gisla finishes her bath. She's testy today, and I don't know how she'll react to finding you here." Rollo fondled his member. "By the way, how was Ragnar."  
"Um," said Sister Peg. "Ragnar's smaller than you, but his son is much prettier. That boy had the most amazing blue eyes, and he screamed...oh, how he screamed!"  
"I used to hear Bjorn beating off in the woods," said Rollo. "It sounded like Ragnarok."  
Sister Peg's smile faded. "What?"  
"It means he was getting off."  
"Oh..." said Peg. "Oh!"  
"Now get to it, sister!"  
At that moment, the door opened and Gisla entered, dressed in a bathrobe and with a towel wrapped around her head. "Who's this?" she asked "Have you found me un petit ami, Rollo?" She leaned in and kissed Sister Peg on the cheek. "Voulez-vous coucher avec moi, se soir?"  
Margurite dropped the dildo. "FUCK YOU, YOU FUCKERS!" she screeched, and then jumped out the nearest window.  
"Hmmmmn!" said Rollo. "That was not a polite thing for her to do!"  
"No, it was not!" said Gisla. "Now get back down on your knees, Rollo!"


	3. In The Back Fory

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Floki is fluckt in the forest whilst felling firewood

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "fluckt" actually means fled in Norwegian  
> Here I use the word "faggot" in its correct sense, meaning "a bundle of twigs", NOT in the derogatory sense to mean "a homosexual male". I state this because there was some confusion over my use of the correct Latin words for certain sexual activities, and the use of "buggery" which is in fact the legally accepted term for "forcible anal penetration" (at least in Britain and in Commonwealth countries) and is applicable to either sex. When used in their correct sense, NONE of these words are derogatory to homosexuals, and anybody who objects to their use in the correct context should grow up and perhaps consult a dictionary!

Floki cut firewood, he bound it into bundles, and threw the bundles on the kicksled. Soon the sled was piled high with bundles of twigs, which toppled over. "Fucking faggots!" he snarled, and did a spastic little dance that his wife sometimes referred to as "flokking around", and sucked a splinter out of his finger. There was someone on the path in front of him. "Shit!" he thought "It's Aethelstan, only with tits!"   
The young nun smiled so sweetly that Floki felt he was being slathered in treacle. "Hello!" she said. "Are you Floki the Fuckup? Floki the Freak?"  
"They do not call me that!" said Floki.  
"Yes they do,"said the nun "Also Floki the Magic Boatbuilder, Floki the Woodsman...and Floki who raped my poor cousin Aethelstan."  
Floki's jaw dropped. "You're the Nasty Nun!" he said.  
Sister Peg nodded.  
"Well, you're wrong," said Floki. "I did not bugger your god-bothering cousin, I KILLED Aethelstan, and I'll do the same for...oh Frigg, that is one ENORMOUS dildo!"  
"It's a Black Mamba," said Sister Peg "It's covered in the skin of a donkey penis."  
Floki giggled "And they let a nun buy such a thing?!"  
"Actually, it was given to me by Abbess Bridget of Kildare," said Sister Peg. "She doesn't like Vikings very much either!"  
Floki flokked about. "For a Christian, you don't think much about mercy or forgiveness, do you?"  
Sister Peg grinned nastily. "No, I don't. I did not even want to be a nun. I wanted to marry my cousin, but our family locked me up in a convent to keep us apart."  
"You're sick, sister" said Floki. "And what you did to Bjorn was awful. He was ten when Ragnar brought your cousin here, and nineteen when you brutalized him. I hated Aethelstan, but he was not...." Floki flokked around some more, at a loss for words. "That's even nastier than what I suspected him of doing. He was always eyeing Bjorn's poor young wife Thorunn like a piece of meat. You hurt her too, you see. Bjorn was never the same after he came home. All he did was mope and whine and beg Thorunn to use that horrible dildo on him. I think Bjorn's a bit...well, strange. He likes girls who push him around. Anyway, Thorunn got fed up with him and ran away."  
"Oh," said Sister Peg.  
"And then Bjorn accidentally rolled over on Torvig, the girl who DID peg him."  
"Oh my," said Sister Peg.  
"And now Bjorn's run off and nobody knows where he is."  
"Oh my goodness!" said Sister Peg.  
"And now here you stand with that big, knobbly dildo in your hand, and here I am thinking..." Floki giggled "wouldn't it be funny if I used it on YOU?"  
"fUCK YOU, YOU FUCKER!" Sister Peg yelled, overturning the kicksled and sending faggots flying. She fled. Her legs were shorter than Floki's, but she still put in a fair turn of speed and Floki found it difficult to run because he was starting to get an erection. Chasing this Nasty Habit was almost as fun as chasing his wife Helga. He wondered where Helga was, because he had not seen her since breakfast. Then Helga popped out of the underbrush and hit Floki with the same pan she had used to cook his eggs and bacon in.  
"Floki, you pervert!" Helga yelled. "I'm the only woman you should chase through the woods, and that's because I LIKE it!"  
Floki grinned sheepishly, and pointed at his genitals.  
"Oh, all right!" said Helga "Let's go back to bed!"


	4. In The Holy of Holies

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Bjorn comes upon Sister Peggy in the Holy of Holies

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Coffee is first mentioned in 10th century Arabic texts, but it was probably introduced to the Middle East a few centuries before it was written about. Also, revenge is never sweet, and forgiveness can sometimes be a little nasty.

The door of the Hagia Sophia was always open, and a lamp was always lit, and Sister Margurite was sent around with a tray of coffee for those that came to pray at night. After her last fiasco, she had quietly made her way back to civilization, and to the largest "civitas" in the Mediterranean, if not the world. She still had her tools in her bag in case she needed them, but she had not expected Bjorn to suddenly swoop down on her like a gigantic white bat and envelope her in a smothering hug. Damn...he seemed even bigger than the last time they had met, as though he was nearing the end of a considerable growth spurt that had just started when Sister Peggy had last seen him, and moreover he seemed to have a formidable erection as he lifted Peg off the ground so that her feet dangled in mid air and kissed her on top of her head.  
"Hullo, Margurite!" Bjorn said. His breath smelled like he had been eating something moldy, and the pupils of his eyes were contracted.  
"Put me down, Behemoth!"  
Bjorn chortled, and set her down. "I forgive you, Peggy." He spread his arms wide, like a big white crucifix. "Once you get past the gold mosaics, the hangings, the incense, the bricks and mortar, and all the weird rituals and nonsensical rules, your God is about forgiveness. I really rather like your God, don't you?  
Margurite backed away, to where she'd stashed her tool bag behind an arras. "I still got my dick stick..."  
Bjorn shook his head. "I'd like you to, but no. 'Cos if I did I would want to reciprocate. I would pick you up and make you cry like a tiny bitch...after all, LOOK at yourself. You ARE a tiny bitch!"  
Margurite had a mental image of being picked up and shoved against a pillar and pegging the Behemoth's ass while he rammed that huge pecker of his inside her. It gave her a weird, tight feeling in her lower abdomen. But Bjorn stood smiling in the constant snowfall of tiny golden flakes that fell inside the dome of the Hagia Sophia.  
"I don't want to hurt you," he said "and besides, you took a vow of celibacy, and I respect you for that."  
The cramp in Margurite's belly made her whimper.  
"I'm so sorry, Peg. YOu very pretty." said Bjor  
"FUCK YOU, YOU FUCKER!" she screamed, and hit Bjorn with the heavy brass coffee tray before bolting for the door.


	5. In A Dark Alley

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which our tale is concluded in a dark alley.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Goa is a sea-port on the coast of India, where the first Christian community was established in the 6th or 7th century A.D. At the time, India and the Middle East were vastly more advanced in the fields of science and medicine than Europe, and continued to be so up until the Renaissance....and it was not exclusively practiced by men!

"Ow...ow...ow...ow..." It was good that the dockyards were deserted at that time of night, because Margurite was certain that people would be shocked to find her leaning against a wall behind some barrels and committing Onanism with a Black Mamba dildo. She could not banish from her mind the image of what she thought the Behemoth's face would look in the throes of passion, or of how those enormous hands would feel squeezing her bum. Her cries lengthened as the tightness in her belly burst. "Owww! Owww! Owww! BJORN!"" The last yell echoed like a foghorn. Peg saw that her hands and the dildo were covered in juices, so she licked them clean.  
"That's an unsavory habit." a woman's voice said. A girl in a yashmak was standing before her. "You're the pervert who pegged my husband!" The stranger's eyes were like ice. "I am Thorunn, wife to Bjorn Ironside. You were screaming his name a second ago."  
"I don't do chicks," said Margurite, as she brandished her dildo like a club.  
"Get that revolting thing AWAY from me!" shouted Thorunn. "It's covered in...juices, and what looks like the skin of a donkey's dong, and it's...wow...even bigger than the one Bjorn gave me."  
"It's a Black Mamba," said Margurite. "They're top of the line."  
"It's disgusting!"  
Margurite shrugged.  
"Did you peg Bjorn with it?"  
"No," said Peg. "We met in a church and talked...that's all."  
"Really?" said Thorunn. It was hard to tell what her expression was under that yashmak, but her voice sounded relieved.  
"He's cute," said Margurite. "Why did you leave him?"  
"He...well, aside from the constant demands to be tied up, humiliated and pegged and his propensity for passing out on top of me, giving birth to his baby really messed up my lady parts." said Thorunn. "I miss her. I miss Bjorn too...I even miss his horny yowling, even though it sounded like..."  
"Like Ragnarok?" Peg asked   
"Yup. Anyway, there's someone who wants to talk to you."  
A small figure stood atop the stack of barrels that Margurite hat been hiding behind. It was a little girl who seemed quite ordinary except for her eyes, which were a strange indigo colour and seemed faintly luminous. Her hair was tied in a snood, and small pot-metal charms shaped like fish jangled as she moved.  
"Oh, Sweet Christ!" said Margurite.  
"If that is who you say I am," said Iris. She pointed at the dildo in Margurite's hand. "That's not exactly what I meant by 'love thine enemies' is it?"  
Margurite shrugged. "I decided it was better to fuck my enemies than to fight them. It brings a whole new meaning to turning the other cheek."   
"I suppose it does. But the question is that are you content now that you have tried to have you way with all the adult male members of your enemy's family?"  
Sister Margurite thought for a bit. "No, I'm not. My revenge sort of blew up in my face."  
"Now perhaps you'll consider trying things MY way," said Iris. "I need Bjorn to do something for me in the West after Thorunn breaks his heart for me. She on the other hand I intend to send to Goa in the East I would like you to go with her. What are you good at besides pegging people, Peg?"  
"I....Margurite gestured at her bag of special tools. "I cut them."  
"Why?"  
"I dunno," said Peg. "I've always been fascinated by the human body, and how it works. Even when I was a child, I cut up animals to see how they worked."  
"Ah," said Iris. "You have an interest in anatomy. Have you ever thought of using your tools to help people rather than to hurt them?"  
"Um...no."  
"The scalpel that can make a wound can remove a tumour. The irons that burn can cauterize. A poisonous herb can be a medicine in the right hands. Do you understand?" Iris's charms tinkled as a breeze blew in from the East, smelling of spices.  
"I think so," said Margurite."  
"Good," said Iris. "The Mediterranean was once the home of the greatest surgeons in the world, but those days are long gone. The places where such knowledge remains lie to the East, in ARabia and India. "You should go to Goa with Thorunn."  
"Go to Goa?" asked Margurite.  
"Yes. Go to Goa. From now on you're working for Love."

The following day, Bjorn lay in the gutter, looking up at the stars...or rather, he was seeing stars in broad daylight because he had tried again to apologise to Sister Margurite, and she had mashed him on the head with a paving stone. For some reason, he felt really rather euphoric.  
"That nun is a Bad Christian," he said "But she would make a really good shield maiden!" He staggered to his feet and tried to shog off, which would have been much easier if had not started getting an erection again.


End file.
